Date #8: Dry Humping at The Saloon

Some dates are so horrible you just have to take time to reflect and regroup.  So after several weeks of  a self imposed dating sabbatical, and a flash mob to declare my single status, I’m back! Call me a glutton for punishment or a sucker for love but I am more determined than ever to overcome the cesspool that has become dating in D.C. I know that statement is uber harsh but after the date that almost rendered me hopeless, you will understand why I’m on “Bitter Betty” Lane.

Let me start by saying  I .WAS. DRY. HUMPED!!!!

It ended badly and oh so sooo sadly, but my date with “Dry Humper” actually began with a lot of promise. He was a friend of a friend, so we often saw each other at social events in the DMV. He was witty and smart which helped me overlook the slightly receding hairline and pudginess. I loved that he knew the most obscure details of the solar system and best of all he was funny and I love funny!

We agreed to meet up on U street for happy hour drinks and after bar hopping up and down the historical corridor, we settled in at The Saloon. The DC pub has built a solid fan following for it’s top shelf beers and emphasis on the human connection. Unlike typical bars, there’s no TVs and music is kept to a minimum to encourage  the lost art of conversation. 

It was a perfect enclave for a first date. We settled into a quiet corner and began the verbal dance of “getting to know you” while sipping European beer and savoring their signature sirloin steak. During our game of twenty questions, I learned he was 42, divorced, had several advanced degrees and one adorable kid. 

Several hours and cocktails later, we sang our favorite theme songs to childhood shows, thumb wrestled and decided we would be friends forever! It was all going extremely well when he suddenly “remembered” he was house sitting and was supposed to feed his friend’s cat. I REALLY wish I was exaggerating but that is EXACTLY what he said. The sadder part of this story is that I actually believed him and I have concluded that this is somehow my parents fault for not schooling me better about life, because when he suggested I ride with him to go feed said cat, I agreed. 

I know, I know, but remember, he was not a complete stranger to me and although the scenario was beginning to resemble an after school special on the dangers of dating, I really only thought he was going to feed the cat and then we would resume our merriment on U Street.

We pulled up to his friend’s house not far from U street and I volunteered to sit in the car since it wouldn’t take him that long to fulfill his chore, but he waved me in. I entered a very elegant home with lots of  pictures of a "Cosby Show"-ish looking family and admired the artwork in the foyer.

To his credit, he actually fed the cat, a chubby tabby with an haughty attitude, before returning to the living room (where I was now seated on the couch) and clicking on the television. I assumed that he was only channel surfing to get a quick sports fix since he had been sans a TV at the pub. To my surprise, he flipped past ESPN and settled on some sappy movie before turning to me with  an attempt at a first kiss. I turned my head just in time to avoid a lip lock and ended up with a lick on the cheek. There was an awkward silence which I used to suggest that we leave.

Being in some random person’s house under the pretense of cat feeding is never good for foreplay but what came next was the most epic first date flub EVER!

After the moment of embarrassment, he asked me for a hug. He looked so awkward and up until that moment we had been having a great night, so I hugged him. To my surprise, he gave me a full body hug accented by three quick, grinding, pelvic thrusts!!!

It was soooo ewwwwwwwwww! 

I gave him a quick karate chop to the neck and shoulders to break up his one sided humpfest and to exclaim "OMG, WTF?"

Despite his sheepish apologies, I decided to take the train home and made a beeline for the door. I‘m still not quite sure why he decided my exit was a good moment for a dry hump but I was thoroughly eeked out.

Lessons Learned:

1. Dry humping is no joke! Don’t get me wrong, dry humping responsibly can be a lot of fun but only if both parties are into it.

2. Never fall for the "I have to feed the cat" line. You WILL get dry humped!!!!

3. Trust your gut, if you don’t feel comfortable being completely alone with your date, don’t do it! My romantic mishap was all laughs and jokes but the night could have had really unfunny ending if the unwanted advances had not stopped immediately when I spoke up.